Saturday, November 10, 2007

Driving Myself Nuts!!

I think that I am putting too much pressure on myself with this NaNoWriMo stuff. I mean I have these story ideas running through my head, some of them even pretty good, but when I start to write them down...

POOF!

They are gone or, as in the case today, I start writing down what is in my head and thinking that it's going to translate well on the page. Guess what? I wrote myself right into a freaking hole! One that I am having a hard time digging myself out of, at that.

Now, I know that the whole point of NaNaWriMo is to just write, but apparently I am the type of writer that takes my stuff too seriously, even this believe it or not, that if I see one problem wrong with it... then I don't want to have anything else to do with it.

What the heck is wrong with me? I mean, I KNOW that I have the talent, as I have proven to not just myself but others, to write, but.... I don't know if it is just an insecurity issue or what. Trust me, I have plenty of support at home, I may joke that I don't, but I know that my family wants nothing more than for me to succeed with my writing.

So here I am at forty years of age haveing the same self-doubt issues that I seem to have had my entire life. I need to get over it, but HOW?

Does anyone know? Is this just a bout with writer's block? Should I just give it all up?

I don't think so. Giving up never solved anything for me before. I just am hating the way I am feeling, and I don't really think that I need any kind of "help" from anyone in the psychiatric world, thank you very much.

Maybe I'm just too arrogant.

That's a different approach, but there may be something there. I'm too arrogant and therefore I am filled with self-doubt because if I end up writing something that reads like crap, then my world will come crashing down. I am my own worse critic. For the most part I am my ONLY critic, because I don't like to share my, in my mind, inferior work.

Maybe I'm just lying to myself.

Interesting, afterall who amI hurting by doing that? Just myself, which then leads back to the whole self-doubt issue and....

Should self-doubt be hyphenated there? Or should it just be self doubt? I'm starting to think the latter sense I'm not really trying to combine the two words, right? Ugh. English is such a fun language, don't you think?

Want to hear something funny, or read it I guess? My current boss, JC - and he isn't The JC, told me that my evals that I wrote for him were going to need to be work over and improved by him. Oh my goodness, what a liar he is! Trust me I have seen them and if there are any changes, there are very minimal and don't do anything for what I wrote. Can I just call him puddwhacker from now on?

Sure can, it's my blog afterall.