December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES - I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will takeplace on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will belots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols.Feel free to sing along! And don't be surprised if our CEO shows updressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange ofgifts among employees can be done at that time. No gift should beover $10.Merry Christmas to you and your family.Patty LewisHuman Resources Director
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December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES - In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewishemployees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday thatoften coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not thisyear). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa atthis time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carolssung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty LewisHuman Resources Director
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December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES - Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of AlcoholicsAnonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodatethis request. However, don't forget, if I put a sign on the tablethat reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition,forget about the gifts exchange. No gifts will be allowed since theunion members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty LewisHuman Researchers Director
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December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES - I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthestfrom the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to therestrooms. All Gay men are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do nothave to sit with the gay men; each will have their own table. Yes,there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happynow?
Patty LewisHuman Racehorses Director
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December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES - People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEOto play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen tobe "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man ina red suit."
Patty LewisHuman Ratraces
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December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES - Vegetarians --I've had it with you people!! We're going to holdthis party at Luigi's Open Pit, whether you like it or not. You canjust sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as youput it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponictomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They screamwhen you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them rightnow...Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
Patty Lewis
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December 14thTO: ALL EMPLOYEES - I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedyrecovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forwardyour cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, managementhas decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone theafternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.Happy Holidays!
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director
See how insane this time of year can be for some people? What is supposed to be a time of love and joy, just turns into a nightmare for people trying to please everyone. Guess what?
Ain't gonna happen.
Merry Christmas!
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