Getting Fit

Over the years, I have become rather lazy, and because of said laziness, I have also become fat.

Not so fat that I cannot wipe my own ass fat, but still, pretty darn hefty.

According to whomever you believe, I am somewhere between 125-150 pounds overweight, and considering that I was still in high school, and not fat, at that 150 pound level, I will be shooting for  closer to the 125 pounds to lose.

So, how does one lose weight, and keep it away?

For one thing, you need to cut down your serving sizes.

Exercise

Cut out as many carbohydrates that you can.

Exercise

Try eliminating all sugars.

Exercise

Stop drinking any soda, period. Drink more water - that has become my new mantra.

Exercise.

Getting the drift here? It means no more tasty cakes and Dr Pepper because you are bored. Nope, you now should eat more spinach, and other proteins like eggs, meat, and cheese. Oh and you should probably get off your lazy ass every day for at least thirty minutes a day. I don't mean just rolling over and onto the bed for a nap either.

Walking is a great exercise, you can walk 30 minutes a day and I bet you will start losing some of that weight.. If you change habits and quit drinking soda - even diet soda is no good for you, FYI, so just give it all up.

NOW!

You'll thank me later.

Now walking while traveling can be a pain and difficult to do; you don't know where anything is, your hotel has no exercise facility, it's three degrees above zero Fahrenheit with a wind chill of -20. All good excuses, for losers.

Don't get mad at me, I mean until recently - like five days ago, I was a loser just like you. Now I want to be a different kind of loser; a loser of weight.

I have seven children that one day, I hope, will bring me grandchildren. I would like to see as many of these grandchildren grow up and get married that I possibly can. Being a fat ass, won't allow it.

Trust me.

So you have the excuses, but you also know what you have? A Walmart, a grocery store, a mall, guess where you can walk in relative comfort. If you are worried about the spending of funds on many unneeded items, leave your wallet at home, or in your car (make sure you lock it).

The stories you will tell, just by observing your fellow man or woman, trust me on this.

So, what am I saying?

No more excuses. Period. If I can do it, so can you!

Good luck!

Travel Woes

**** I asked my Plurk friends to give me ten words, I didn't tell them what I was going to do with them, neither did they. Below is the result, then ten words are as follows: Bedtime, French, Fries, Smurf, Yes, Snort, CHOCOLATE, Pork, Chops and hairspray. Hope you enjoy this little tale, that was inspired by true events. ****

I hate to travel.

Scratch that, I love travelling. I hate to travel alone, without my family. It depresses me and really makes me crazy around bedtime. You see, I cannot fall asleep when I am travelling alone and it really makes it hard for me to focus when I am on a business trip. It’s hard to be on your “A Game” when you only get two to three hours of very uncomfortable sleep a night. Imagine how you would be by Friday after getting the same amount of sleep in one week that you might normally get in one night.

Not pretty. Trust me.

I have tried a wide variety of ideas that have been handed down to me once someone hears about my issues. I love that everyone wants to help, it’s what makes this country great - too bad none of them seem to work very well.

One suggestion was to dance myself to sleep. I really didn’t understand this, but I figured it was worth a shot. So I turned on MTV and prepared myself for a dance-a-thon that would begin once the commercials ended.

Snort.

I completely forgot that they no longer play music on MTV, and the cheap radio in the hotel room, just doesn’t find a station clear enough to understand the lyrics, or more importantly, hear the beat. So I gave up and sat down and ate some french fries, and while they made me feel better initially, I had to spend a lot of extra time in the other room in my hotel room, if you know what I’m saying. Apparently filling up on greasy spuds, does not do my body good.

By the time I found myself in bed watching a rerun of Johnny Carson’s “Tonight Show” and dozing off to Ed McMahon saying “Yes!” it was well past midnight.

Somehow, I did finally fall asleep and entered the most disturbing part of the evening, my subconscious.

I found myself sitting on a chair in my bathroom spraying my hair down with some high-grade hairspray, which in itself is hilarious because I have been bald for the past twenty years, but I figured why not. If my subconscious sees me with David Coverdale hair, so be it. I didn’t really like seeing the grey hairs seeming to stand out and make let it be known that I am an old dude. Great, first I can’t sleep and now my subconscious is reminding me that I am old.

Beautiful.

It gets better. As I leave my bathroom, which appears to be about twice the size of my house, again I am not minding this part since having a bathroom the size of a small ballroom could have its benefits. The tub alone was like an Olympic-sized swimming pool, so I can get my bubbles and some exercise all in one swoop.

I have to find this house!

Since I like the other white meat so much, I decided to have myself some pork chops - hey I can control my subconscious every now and again, can’t I? I felt like covering them with chocolate, but my mind took over and literally yelled in my dream ear, “CHOCOLATE!”

So I decided against adding the sweet stuff and went for some mustard instead. I don’t know why I did that but did feel like asking my mind if it had any Grey Poupon. I figured that my mind wouldn’t like it too much and might turn me into a Smurf or something. Imagine that, being turned into a Smurf.

No thank you.

When the alarm went off I was not as rested as one might think and decided to bring my iPod along for the next trip to give dancing another chance.

**** Thanks Plurkies, we'll have to do this again, and again. I had fun! ****

So I Have A Starting Point

And with that starting point, I have an official "ending" point - well as far as getting a Kindle goes.




Here is my starting point...

No, it isn't a particularly proud moment in my life.

Chunky Walks Briskly Bringing Weight Change

So this dude that weighs in at a whole lot more than he should decided it was time to lose the chunk. 

Little did he know that his lovely bride was thinking that he should do the same, because she likes to wrap her arms around him, and currently cannot. 

His children are also on the "lose the chunk" bandwagon, because they want him to keep buying them cool stuff. 

They all conspired together, even the 'Chunky Monkey,' to get his act together. Because even though he can be a pain in the butt at times, they still love him and want him to stick around for a lot longer. They don't even need the cool stuff, just their daddy and husband.

This is his story. It will be updated occasionally, with information like what he ate, how far he walked/ran, if he had any Moose Tracks ice cream. In fact, one of his children even volunteered to eat all of the ice cream in the house, to keep his Dad from being tempted. What a good boy.

Anyway, today was day one and he went for a mile and a half, or maybe it was a two mile, walk at a brisk pace. So stay tuned for future updates from Chunky, and maybe he'll even throw his weight in here for those of you charting at home.

God Bless!

Holy Chafing, Batman!

Some things I learned yesterday...

• Complaining about broken links that are then mysteriously fixed, without my knowing it, can cause confusion. Especially for me. Maybe mylivesignature.com was down for maintenance or something.
• Being a 1930's kind of guy/husband may not translate to a good thing, especially to ladies of the twenty-first century. But in my defense, I'm not exactly a have my wife cater-to-my-every-need kind of guy, just ask Jenni. :)
• Taking walks with the family are lots of fun, and good exercise. Not to mention the sights you can see. An example:

We were walking home last night, from the library - we all forgot our library cards so no new books! (Darn it!) Anyway, we stopped at the Batavia Popcorn Depot, a literal shack that has three popcorn poppers in it and offers your choice of plain, cheesy and caramel popcorn. It's been a Batavia tradition since 1929. Good popcorn as well, and Katie was buying (actually Benjy ended up paying because he had paper money versus the change that Katie had, because Benjy sold it to her) so all was good. Five bags of popcorn $6.50.

As we left we noticed an older man and his grandson (I assume here, but you know Tony Randall became a daddy at 77, so anything is possible) were standing by a fire hydrant. As we walk up, the man seemed a little startled, although he had to have seen us coming, we soon realized why he was so startled...

Older Gentleman: "Oh, hi."

Us: "Hello"

OG: "Do I have to bring a bag with these kids?"

Us: "Huh?" "Oh." "Maybe we should" "Eww"

You guessed it. The child, maybe three, had himself a little accident. Now, I didn't see anything on the ground, but everyone else did. I surely could smell it though, and the poor kid didn't look too comfortable. Granted his Grandfather looked a lot less comfortable, but...

Now, soapbox time... Why the man didn't walk the hundred, or so, feet to the fourteen port-a-potty's, or the McDonald's, or the restaurant across the street is beyond me. But to sit there and not do anything about the child's accident is baffling to me. I would NEVER embarrass my kids that way. In fact, if something like that would have happened to me, I would have done my best to not be noticed. True, the man did seem to be unaware of our approach, so I'll get off the box now.

• Poop really does happen, after all. :)
• Five year old children don't like to walk.
• River bugs do NOT taste good.
• Arizona Pomegranate Green Tea does though.
• Ignoring your Google Reader all night, leaves a LOT of reading in the morning.
• Being a large man that is trying to better himself by getting some exercise, can be painful. I won't let it stop me, I promise! Jenni and the kids won't let me. :-)